Loss of a Spouse

This morning, I attended a for-men-only two-hour presentation by Sam Timbrook, a Life Coach and local minister, who started “The Connection”; a non-profit ministry with those in grief. www.samtimbrook.com 

“Sometimes we do not realize we are in grief.” Stress, grief, and depression can have similar effects but are not the same.

It was caregiver stress that put my wife and me into Provision Living at Columbia. In two days our world was transformed from two people living in a house with Home Instead helpers coming for three hours a time, three times a week into a community of hugging, caring people. That hugging took a bit of getting use to.

It came in handy as my wife lost her ability to speak. A hug in the morning, from our caregivers, on my way to breakfast, sort of set the day right. I had no idea how long she would live or what state of life she would have. We did nothing with the monarch butterflies that first year. Call it depression.

Several times during the presentation I had those total body feelings I now know come from grief. My voice changes and tears are not far away. But what am I grieving? What have I lost?

My wife is recovering from a concussion a month ago. I do not feel guilty having a good time attending the Osher class for seniors at the MU Extension with the only other man now in the fitness classes. Grief involves a loss.

Last year I worked with two employees on my Osher tobacco smoke exposure project. They were both huggers.  One was the Director of the facility and the other my first caregiver smoker, about half way, on her way to becoming a non-smoker. 

Almost 50 years ago we had the Vice President of Northwest Missouri State CollegeUniversity ready to clear the tobacco smoke out of classroom buildings. It did not happen. Instead, he took another job out East.

This time, one was fired, corporate style, and the other vanished. Residents were keenly aware of the mysterious loss of the daily hugs and cheery greetings.

One response to this state of affairs at the presentation was, “When managers lean too much on the side of the residents, corporations may not like this."

I still do not understand how talking with others about a loss helps one to get through it; but it does. A person needs to be aware that the loss will never go away and at the most unexpected times those pangs can strike again. It is part of being a human being.

Reference: LOSS of a SPOUSE by Grief Share, www.griefshare.org, 64 pages. 

Addendum two days later:

"The state of affairs" I have learned was a difference in judgment between different levels. The individual fired is working in a similar position at another company in town. It happens. 

In fact Columbia plays "musical chairs" with health care personnel as new facilities and home care companies open. It hurts to loose. There is no shortage of jobs. There is a shortage of workers.